I’ll just eat salad this week and see what happens, I mused as I stressed about the coming high school tryouts. At the end of the week, my clothes slid on with ease and my confidence soared in response.
Even though I was the only one who noticed the difference in my body after salad week, it changed things. For one brief second, the voices that constantly assaulted me were silenced. The voices couldn’t argue. The girl they called fat, lazy, ugly and second-rate scum had just accomplished something difficult. I could control my weight. I stashed that information for future reference.
As the freshman fifteen crept on, I remembered how it good it felt to get dressed after eating salad for just one week. I resurrected salad week and joined a gym. This was my key to feeling confident, beautiful, and accepted.
After a few weeks of steady exercise and limited caloric intake, I was losing weight. My confidence began to rise. People were paying attention to me.
Just a few months later I saw close friends. Just one comment from one person gave me the validation I so desperately sought. “Looks like you’ve finally grown up, Lisa.”
I was hooked.
It wasn’t long before I had cut my calories to just 750 a day and increased my time at the gym. I starved myself for months. Comments on my thinness made me feel successful. For once in my life, I was doing something well. The price was high but it was so worth it.
And then I fumbled—by eating. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. After I ate that first dinner, ironically, it was salad, I purged. It was hard but I felt I had no choice. It started a vicious cycle that lasted for years. I would restrict all week and allow myself a meal on Friday night. Often times I would be so hungry I would devour a whole pizza followed by dessert. I would spend the weekend purging and then start restricting again on Monday.
I lived this way for several years. I needed to be noticed as beautiful. And thin. I was desperate to be noticed. I was a Jesus girl. I loved Jesus. I just wasn’t really sure He loved me.
Fast forward fifteen plus years.
I am a forty-year-old mother of four. I weigh 136 pounds. I watch what I eat, exercise and no longer binge and purge.
Thing is, after all these years, I still have the same struggles. I equate thin with beautiful. I measure my worth by the number on the scale and the way I talk to myself would make my mama cringe.
As I sit holding Lysa TerKeurst’s book silent tears slip down my cheeks. I want to stop feeling like a failure. I want to stop beating myself up for liking sugar cookies and I want to think about God more than I think about food. Lysa promises her book can help.
And she delivers. This power-packed message is really just the story of a Jesus girl who wants to lose some weight and in the process gains so much more. Truths from this book changed my life immediately. Over the next few weeks, we’ll explore these truths and celebrate the changes.
I am currently reading Made to Crave again. I join Lysa on Monday nights at 8/7:00 CST for her FREE Made to Crave webcasts. Go here for more information.
Proverbs 31 Ministries graciously gave me two copies of this book. One to keep and and one to give away. Because I had already purchased one, I was able to give one to a friend already. Thank you, Proverbs 31! To enter to win a copy of Made to Crave, simply leave a comment. Or if you’d like to buy your own, go here. One winner will be randomly selected and announced next Monday, January 24. Please make sure to leave your email address if your comment doesn’t link to it.
Remember: “We were made to consume food but, food was never made to consume us.” –Lysa TerKeurst in Made to Crave
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I'm linking up to Jen and the Soli Deo Gloria sisterhood today.