|Photo credit here|
I remember Psalm 63:6.
If I'm sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in grateful reflection.
But grateful reflection causes me to wonder.
Because you've always stood up for me, I'm free! (Psalm 63:7)
Do I believe this? I don’t live in the freedom I profess to have. Why? Maybe I don’t believe God has always stood up for me, is standing up for me, fighting for me, clapping for me, cheering from the sidelines, straining to see the mix of determination and joy on my face at running my best and coming down the stairs of the stadium to pace Himself with me that mix gives way to tears. Maybe I don’t see God. Maybe I see a human likeness. A coach who tries to make me perform in harshness. A preoccupied father, an emotionally absent parent or a condescending caretaker sitting in the stands motivated by duty rather than love.
Let’s face it. I’m scared to write, to speak because of what God’s calling me to say, to share. I am afraid that taking the steps to respond in a new, healthy way to the old elephant in our crowded living room, exposing the family secret, will cause me to lose my family, my reputation, and my usability (is that a word?) by God. I’m scared women will see a scared, tired, messy failure instead of a strong, energetic, victor in Christ.
...or are they really one and the same?
The tired, messy victim and the strong, passionate victor. Does one require the other? Do both require God? Am I just too prideful to give into either one completely so I settle for a life of somewhere in between? Not so totally pathetic anyone (but me and God) notices and not so free as to draw attention to myself soaring; after all, flying might mean crashing and falling. Success comes to the godly; He protects His anointed. So what would failure mean about me?
That’s the real question and that’s also the wrong question. What I’d like to be consumed with is this: What would failure mean about God?
Maybe what I’m really scared of is this: Am I too far beyond His reach? Can He fix me? Can I be trusted to help others find their fix in Christ?
I like to think yes; however, reality says it hasn’t always been this way for me. My heart has been broken this past year over the wrong habits, attitudes, sins that I’ve taught my children. All because I’m scared. And prideful.
Today I’m still scared. Scared silly. But today I’m allowing God to come out of the stands, set my stride and coach me along to the finish. Instead of trying to stand firm on my own, I’m going to the place of freedom where God stands for me. My new living room.