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Thursday, June 14, 2012

A grace a day keeps the devil away

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Each morning I take one small pill with a glass of water. There was a time when I would have dared to believe grace was life without dependence on one small pill to approach, execute and finish my day successfully. By successfully, I mean without going back to bed, pulling the covers over my head and crying. I’ve come to see these pills as grace.
Dwelling in a pit of depression is a horrible place to be. Some of my best friends, my creativity, my energy, my passion, my determination and my words, stay far, far away from the me huddled in that pit. The thing about this pit is the struggle that it takes to get out. Sometimes it’s just not worth it. It’s so easy to stay stuck. 
I’ve been a closet pit partier for many years. I was so highly functioning no one, not even my closest friends, family members or even my husband knew how desperately I needed grace in the form of a tiny pill. Or two. 
Living with the disease of depression is crazy because it effects how you see yourself and those around you. But so does every illness, every addiction, every dysfunction, every sin. For years, I begged God to heal me and He's brought me to grace upon grace. I thought if I could be good enough, He would change the constitution of who I am. I tried to discipline the lazy out of my day. “If I could only try harder,” I would think, “I wouldn’t feel this way.” I tried the power of positive thinking as I posted inspirational quotes all over my bulletin board and inside all my journals because, “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago and the next best time is today.” I tried developing my acting ability pretending to the entire world, including myself and God, that everything was fine and I was doing amazingly well. I lied.
I get questioned a lot as to when I intend to go off my medication. My answer, uh never.
Even though I don’t really like to be dependent on anything, including a tiny pill. Or two. Truth is, we are all dependent on God and His grace to make it through a single second of any day. My tiny pill is just a reminder of His never ending grace in my life. I feel like the me that has been held hostage in the pit of my soul since childhood has emerged. Since taking that first pill, accepting God’s grace has never been easier. Maybe you experience a grace each day to keep the devil away. I happen to need two. Sometimes three or four.
At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. 2 Corinthians 12:9
What daily reminders of God’s grace do you experience?


Melanie Dorsey said...

Lisa, my friend, this is so good. Real and applicable. Just one of the things I relate to in what you've written is this, "I tried to discipline the lazy out of my day." Yeah...me, too.

I'm glad you're back to writing here.

Lisa Smith said...

Oh how I love you & your transparency, my friend. Your walk has helped me ask the hard questions & stare the elephant in the eyes. Love you!

Leah @ Point Ministries said...

I love this post. Such an important one. I, too, struggle with depression (on occasion) and anxiety. I take medication for the anxiety and it is 'for my edification' and the good of others that I do. God has blessed us with the miracle of modern medicine. I say, let's use it!!

Blessings to you!!