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Saturday, March 03, 2012

Going Dark

Yup, I did it. 

I went dark.

I needed to go undercover, get out of the bloggy spotlight. I thought it was for my kids. And it was.

But it was also for me.

It’s true I got lost in a dark dungeon called Depression. It’s true that depression created a writer’s block so deep in my soul, I questioned ever writing again; I even told God it hurt but I would get over it if words were a gift that wasn’t meant to last a lifetime. It’s also true that my depression stirred from being mad at God. It is. It hurts me to say it. And I can’t say, “kinda mad,” because I was just.so.very.stinkin’.mad I coulda spit. That’s the sad, sad truth. As a result, I pulled away from you because I felt my messages were futile, that they didn’t matter.

Honesty can be painful.

In my hurt, The Rescuer came. He showed me there’s more to life than words. There’s Life. I needed the reminder. He showed me how He has never abandoned me in heartache but had equipped me with access to The Healer before my heart ever broke.

When at last the scarlet rope was lowered into the dungeon and words of life were birthed once again, other obstacles presented themselves, like, going back to work fulltime in addition to my four growing blessings.

When depression hit me in the gut, it not only took my breath away but stole the very life from my soul. As the fog of depression descended on me, I felt relationships slipping, every one of them.  My relationships with God , friends and family all suffered.

Because writing was hard, it began taking up more and more time leaving me feeling worthless, frustrated and guilty as I rose from my empty screen. My children resented the face time I was giving my computer because the face time I was giving them lost its quality and focus. I initially took a bloggy leave of absence to focus on them last summer.

As I’ve recovered, the negative emotions that overwhelmed me have faded and I’ve been tempted to wonder if the time off was fruitful or  just plain futile.

Last week, my ten-year-old daughter left me this sticky note.

It sang grace, encouragement and focus to my starving mommy’s heart—not to mention the tears. I did the ugly cry.

It was the first of several breakthrough moments I’ve had in the last week with my children.

If there was ever any question, it is now answered. It was worth it. It feels great to be back in the light. I’m completing the plunge back by getting my hair blonded next week.

"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" 3 John 1:4 (The Message)

Now I’m ready to give you some face time. Please share. When have you taken a blog vacation and what were the results? 


If you’d like to see what re-entering looks like via blog, sign up to receive my posts directly to your inbox. It's easy, it's free and let's face it, I need the subscribers after such a long hiatus. **grins** Just put your email address in the box at the top of the left hand column.

7 comments:

Ashley said...

I subscribed. I have missed your writing and glad you are coming back. I love your new hair color. You look beautiful!

Leah @ Point Ministries said...

Oh my word! Can I ever relate to this post! My 'funk' was deep and very real. I wrote about it here: http://www.leahadams.org/consider-the-messenger/

It is not something you can explain to a person who has never walked that road. So, glad you are out and back. God bless you.

Anita said...

I must admit that I clicked from my reading list when I saw "Going Dark" because my latest post is on "Hair Coloring."

To my surprise, I find out that you've been through a challenging period. I'm sorry and hope that it will not happen again.

You're so blessed to have the love of your family, and the love of God.

Gretchen said...

Love you. Been there often, myself.

Kimberly said...

Yes! I have been there. I have been mad at God before. I have been at the place of thinking I will just quit writing altogether. I have been in that pit of depression. And I have had to step away from my blog before, too.

How THANKFUL I am for the Rescuer. :) He has pulled me out so many times...I am so glad He doesn't ever get tired of rescuing us!

Blessings to you, sweet Lisa. If you have a minute, the post Leah linked to from her blog is EXCELLENT! Good, good stuff to encourage those who have battled great discouragement and the desire to just quit!

Love,
K

GLENDA CHILDERS said...

I am sorry for the pain and loss you have been experiencing. I had a year of being mad awhile back. It was good for me...and my relationship with God. It my honest feelings.

I missed your sweet words and look forward to them whenever you are ready to write more.


Fondly,
Glenda

Jen said...

So glad you are back. And refreshed. I struggle often with depression and know the dungeon well. Prayers for you, friend.