I went dark.
I needed to go undercover, get out of the bloggy spotlight. I thought it was for my kids. And it was.
But it was also for me.
It’s true I got lost in a dark dungeon called Depression. It’s true that depression created a writer’s block so deep in my soul, I questioned ever writing again; I even told God it hurt but I would get over it if words were a gift that wasn’t meant to last a lifetime. It’s also true that my depression stirred from being mad at God. It is. It hurts me to say it. And I can’t say, “kinda mad,” because I was just.so.very.stinkin’.mad I coulda spit. That’s the sad, sad truth. As a result, I pulled away from you because I felt my messages were futile, that they didn’t matter.
Honesty can be painful.
In my hurt, The Rescuer came. He showed me there’s more to life than words. There’s Life. I needed the reminder. He showed me how He has never abandoned me in heartache but had equipped me with access to The Healer before my heart ever broke.
When at last the scarlet rope was lowered into the dungeon and words of life were birthed once again, other obstacles presented themselves, like, going back to work fulltime in addition to my four growing blessings.
When depression hit me in the gut, it not only took my breath away but stole the very life from my soul. As the fog of depression descended on me, I felt relationships slipping, every one of them. My relationships with God , friends and family all suffered.
Because writing was hard, it began taking up more and more time leaving me feeling worthless, frustrated and guilty as I rose from my empty screen. My children resented the face time I was giving my computer because the face time I was giving them lost its quality and focus. I initially took a bloggy leave of absence to focus on them last summer.
As I’ve recovered, the negative emotions that overwhelmed me have faded and I’ve been tempted to wonder if the time off was fruitful or just plain futile.
Last week, my ten-year-old daughter left me this sticky note.
It sang grace, encouragement and focus to my starving mommy’s heart—not to mention the tears. I did the ugly cry.
It was the first of several breakthrough moments I’ve had in the last week with my children.
If there was ever any question, it is now answered. It was worth it. It feels great to be back in the light. I’m completing the plunge back by getting my hair blonded next week.
"Nothing could make me happier than getting reports that my children continue diligently in the way of Truth!" 3 John 1:4 (The Message)
Now I’m ready to give you some face time. Please share. When have you taken a blog vacation and what were the results?