God promises hope for my future despite the pain of my past.
As I was running the other day, I noticed my shadow. As I made turns along my path, my shadow moved. The darkness attached to me was sometimes in front of me, sometimes behind me.
Just because the shadow was straight ahead of me, didn’t mean I wasn’t running in the sun; it just meant I had changed directions in my quest to burn a few calories and get back home.
That’s where I’ve been these last few months. Running in the sun, yet into the darkness of my past.
Since cancer came and went, I’ve been struggling. Healing physically happened quickly; healing emotionally has taken much longer.
For an entire year, I told myself if I could just make it until…the weekend, Spring Break, the end of soccer season or summer, I would be okay. All of those things came and went. I was not okay.
After clearing my schedule of everything in June of last year, I realized I did not need rest, I needed help. I found a wonderful doctor and who diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and severe anxiety. After six months, I have finally found a combination of meds that is working for me and coupled with christian counseling, I am healing.
As I humbled myself and received help, grace in the form of modern medicine, my hope returned. My perspective returned.
That day as I was running, I realized I had been running from the darkness of my past. Longing for God to use me yet not wanting to admit my weakness, I had lost my focus. Instead of running toward home, I had been running from the shadow of my past.
I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life. Believing mood altering medication was for people who couldn’t trust God enough to overcome their sin, I silently suffered. On the outside I portrayed a confident, successful woman, on the inside I was a self-loathing, prideful mess.
As I contemplated the miracles Jesus performed in the Bible, I began to see a pattern. Regularly after healing a person's physical ailments, He spoke forgiveness of past sins. Jesus taught faith to receive physical healing led to grace to receive emotional healing. He healed physically to usher in healing emotionally.
Choosing to embrace this concept, I shifted my focus away from the pain of my past and toward the hope of my future. Running into the dark shadow of my past these last few months has been hard, yet knowing home and healing are just around the corner has made it worth it.
In chapter four of A Confident Heart, Renee says running from the pain of the past is also running from the healing work God wants to do our hearts. Through her story, I have come to realize my past pain has kept me from living in confident hope for my tomorrows. With her encouragement, I am receiving hope for my future by allowing Jesus to enter into the brokenness of my past and create beauty.
I am no longer running from my own shadow. I am running toward the finish line.
I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself…I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.1 Corinthians 9:26-27 & Philippians 3:12-14 The Message
What struggles have you been afraid to admit that could lead to your own healing?