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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Choose to believe


During my run last night I came face to face with something ugly. My doubt.

My natural frame of reference is more negative than I care to admit. I can be all Pollyanna to those around me, slightly more cynical to those closest to me and downright doom and gloom to myself.

Not pretty.

As I ran, I let life slough off me. The last few weeks have been rough. My husband’s been out of town, I had terrible crazy-woman PMS, I got sick, ate fast food, drank lots of coffee, worked out minimally and almost polished off a pound of M&Ms. Side note: I’m buying the almond kind next time so I get something healthy out of the deal.

I’ve fallen down the staircase of I’ll just stop writing this blog because I’ll never get published because I don’t have time to pursue anything but sick/needy/sloppy kids.

In the midst of playoffs, performances, projects, parties, ceremonies and graduations I realized we were peaking and I was having trouble enjoying this normal chaos that is May. I mean peaking as in my middle children are almost nine—halfway to being on their own. The peak of child raising. **sniff sniff**

So I shoved writing aside and threw myself into this end of the season celebrate until you drop hoopla. Today I decided enough is enough and went for a run.

That’s when God asked Lisa, do you believe I’m good?

Yes, Lord, of course, begged to come out because I was once a fourth grade Sunday school scholar.

But I knew what He meant. He meant Lisa, do you believe I’m good to you? Do you believe I love you with the extravagant love you struggle to show your loved ones today?

All I could choke out between sobs was

And then the fourth grade me quickly added, Lord, forgive my unbelief.

When God moved mountains for me to receive the cancer treatment I needed, I believed.

When God miraculously spared me from harsh chemo, I believed.

When God lined up lots of little ducks in a row so we could move, I believed.

When God began using my story to encourage others to seek Him, I believed.

When God showered me with favor at different times in my life at various jobs, I believed.

When God gave me perfectly healthy babies, I believed.

When God gave me a fairy tale wedding day, I believed.

But today when I was late to the dentist and my son needed more work than we thought, I doubted.

When my preschooler never took a breath today and I couldn’t either, I doubted.

When the miracle cancer treatment stretches us more financially than is comfortable, I doubt.

When the house I once thought was perfect seems to close in around me in all it’s disorganized cluttered glory, I doubt.

When it looks like I’ll be working instead of writing when school starts in the fall, I doubt.

When the fun commitments of a normal life begin to feel like drudgery, I doubt.

I’m not proud. I am full of doubt. 

I am in desperate need of extraordinary holy to invade ordinary routine. I am crying out for my Father’s holy fire to replace motherhood burnout.

As I confessed every area of doubt with the thud of feet to pavement, freedom came. I realized something: It’s easier to believe the best than think the worst. Truth overcomes doubt every time.

I realize I have issues. I need constant validation from Jesus about who I am in Him. I’m ridiculously needy. But today I believe the best.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 12:7


Lori Lynn said...

Thank you for you post today. It's something that I really needed. :-) I've been struggling myself, and I needed to be reminded not to doubt God. When you're 'down,' it's really easy to start in the "Poor Me" and think less of yourself!

Shelly @ Life on the Wild Side said...

Lisa, this is a beautiful, honest picture of the Christian life with all of its ups and downs. It's kind of a picture of marriage too--choosing to believe in the commitment we've made to another. With faith in Jesus, the one who saves us, we put one foot in front of the other and choose Him. Awesome post!

Dwija {House Unseen} said...

Isn't it amazing how the down times, the doubtful times, are what draw us closer to Him? He infuses the pain with glory. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us!

Anonymous said...

We must be soul sisters! For some reason it is easier for me to believe in healing than it is to believe in publication. When it comes to giftings and how those giftings are seen by and work in the world - that is where I struggle. Right now, I thank God for the opportunity to write a blog, to reach even one person that way. I am learning to just focus on reaching one person through my writing - instead of the world. I have peace in that.


Ah, the ups and downs called LIFE. Thank goodness, God walks with us, eh?


Keena said...

thank you for being so honest!!! it always encourages me to hear how God is working in others' lives

Sandy Cooper said...

Yes, yes, yes. As always, reading your posts is like looking in a mirror. I am so right there with you on all accounts.

Love you,

Anonymous said...

Hi Lisa, What a great post. So glad to connect to your blog via Smelling Coffee. I'm so anxious to read some of your other posts and become a regular reader. I've recently started running and find that rather than listening to music I'm trying to make that a time with the Lord {well at least when I'm not focusing on trying to breath~ ha}. Have a wonderful long weekend!!!

Jill Beran said...

Such a great post Lisa!! Obviously God's had me away from your blog for a bit simply because He knew I needed to read this today!!! I can relate to doubting things in the ordinary everyday life. Sometimes I think it's easier to believe God in and for the big things because it's out of my hands but the control part of me thinks I should be able to handle some of the routines of life, so untrue!! I need HIM and need to believe...heard I believe Henry Blackaby say the greatest honor we can give God is to believe HIM!! Sounds easy...

And this thought, "I need constant validation from Jesus about who I am in Him." I am so with you!!! Choosing to believe,