It seems all I’ve done since January 18 is wait. I waited for the results of a biopsy. I waited for a complete diagnosis. I waited for a treatment plan. I waited for an appointment with a specialist. I waited for my insurance to approve surgery. I waited for my insurance to change. I waited for treatment to be completed. I waited for clear scans. I wait to find out if they will remain clear. I wait.
I have so desperately wanted relief from the wait, relief from the uncertainty, relief from the feeling that I’ve been holding my breath forever.
While I was running I was simply pouring my heart out to the Lord when He spoke.
Lisa, what is it you're really waiting for?
Lord, I want relief.
Okay, Lord, please tell me what I'm really waiting for.
Lisa, you are not waiting to get over cancer; you are waiting to come home.
The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next…God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Romans 8:20
So then I pondered.
What it is I really want. What is it I’m really waiting for. Could the impatience I feel in life possibly be a misplaced longing to be with God?
I thought I wanted relief. I thought I wanted the end of this cancer thing. As I thought about that, the thought occurred to me that I had lived my whole life like this.
At one time I couldn’t wait to graduate from high school and go to college. Then I couldn’t wait to get married, buy a house and have children. I couldn’t wait until my children were potty-trained, slept through the night and through with the ear infection stage. I can’t wait until my husband can retire, we have the time to travel and I get to hold my grandchildren.
The type of waiting I’ve done is simply the type of waiting that makes a hard situation end. The reality is that each end brings about a new beginning.
I couldn’t hardly stand the wait until my first child was born; however, relief was the furthest thing from my mind when I held her for the first time. As soon as my eyes locked with her clear baby blues and jet-black hair, my heart was gripped with the fear I wouldn’t be able to protect her from this big, bad world.
So it is with cancer, relief was the furthest thing from my mind as I got the report of clear scans, spots unchanged. As the doctor explained I am his only breast patient to not receive chemo, I was gripped with the fear this cancer will come back.
This is why I wait. Yes, I wait for the Lord to lead me day by day; but also I wait for the day the Lord comes back for me. True and complete relief will not come until true and complete redemption comes. Redemption will come when Jesus stands up on the clouds and declares to my enemies, cancer included, that I am His and no one and nothing else can even touch me.
I have been disillusioned I am not waiting for the day cancer is cured I am waiting for the day Jesus calls me to my true home. That is day the struggle ends. That is the day relief comes in the purest of forms. Until that day, I will wait. Expectantly.
These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Romans 8:23