When you are in a room full of people, what causes you to feel insecure? What are feelings that make your lack of coolness and popularity feel like the same old constant companion it was in your teen years?
Mine. Rejection. Failure.
Even in a room full of churchgoers, God’s girls, I hear my heart begging me to stop moving, stop talking… What if they find out what type of wife/mom/homemaker/housekeeper I really am? What if they don’t but then my silly words or clumsy actions give me away? For some reason, I just feel like I never quite fit in. Worrying about how I’m dressed, why I didn’t dress up more or what I look like or act like or really just excuses to give in to those same old fears. Excuses to settle for less than what God has for His people.
You see I really love people. I love to get to know them. I love to be around them. Especially women. But the enemy would love for me to just stop that and stay disconnected, lonely and insecure. That’s not how God’s called us to live. He’s called us to live in community, sharing our personalities with each other, encouraging one another because He knows we need that. We can’t walk through this life solo. Loneliness is hard.
Maybe I’m just struggling with all these crazy feelings because I’m the new girl on the block right now. Or maybe if I’m honest with myself, I can admit that even in my community of those who’ve poured out their love and acceptance of me when I was less than loving, I still felt a little (or a lot) insecure. I still feared that I would fail at doing the “right” thing and I still feared that they would reject me for being totally uncool.
This morning, I read as I read these words, I asked God to reprogram my brain and my heart helping me to choose to let Him protect me from those fears, those wrongs, those compromises because my fears will disappoint me every.single.time. When the big ole social fear comes, I want to remember that, “Love covers a multitude of wrongs.” I want to be able to reach outside, way outside my comfort zone because I have a Father who will never reject me, never count my failures, always help me to be successful and always protect my ever-fragile heart.
“It is good for me to be near you. I choose you as my protector…” Psalm 73:28
This post is part of Sandy's series 30 Days of Hearing God.