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Friday, July 09, 2010

The Cool Factor

How do you measure your coolness? I have a coolness factor. It works something like this: I say something funny. How many laugh? I wear a cute outfit. How many notice? I walk in a room. How many say hi? I need a place to sit.  How many invites? When the laughs, compliments and scooches over don’t come, I feel totally uncool. I feel like the new girl who spent many lunch periods her sophomore year hiding in a stall in the girls’ bathroom. Again.

When you are in a room full of people, what causes you to feel insecure? What are feelings that make your lack of coolness and popularity feel like the same old constant companion it was in your teen years?

Mine. Rejection. Failure.

Even in a room full of churchgoers, God’s girls, I hear my heart begging me to stop moving, stop talking… What if they find out what type of wife/mom/homemaker/housekeeper I really am? What if they don’t but then my silly words or clumsy actions give me away? For some reason, I just feel like I never quite fit in. Worrying about how I’m dressed, why I didn’t dress up more or what I look like or act like or really just excuses to give in to those same old fears. Excuses to settle for less than what God has for His people.

You see I really love people. I love to get to know them. I love to be around them. Especially women. But the enemy would love for me to just stop that and stay disconnected, lonely and insecure. That’s not how God’s called us to live. He’s called us to live in community, sharing our personalities with each other, encouraging one another because He knows we need that. We can’t walk through this life solo. Loneliness is hard.

Maybe I’m just struggling with all these crazy feelings because I’m the new girl on the block right now. Or maybe if I’m honest with myself, I can admit that even in my community of those who’ve poured out their love and acceptance of me when I was less than loving, I still felt a little (or a lot) insecure. I still feared that I would fail at doing the “right” thing and I still feared that they would reject me for being totally uncool.

This morning, I read as I read these words, I asked God to reprogram my brain and my heart helping me to choose to let Him protect me from those fears, those wrongs, those compromises because my fears will disappoint me every.single.time. When the big ole social fear comes, I want to remember that, “Love covers a multitude of wrongs.” I want to be able to reach outside, way outside my comfort zone because I have a Father who will never reject me, never count my failures, always help me to be successful and always protect my ever-fragile heart.

“It is good for me to be near you. I choose you as my protector…” Psalm 73:28

This post is part of Sandy's series 30 Days of Hearing God.


Donna said...

You just know how to put what we are all feeling into words! I am with you on this one! Thank you for sharing from your heart and for encouraging us to reach outside our comfort zone and live in our community sharing with others.

Blessings to you on this Friday!

His Girl said...

just spent the last hour catching up on your blog. don't have the energy to comment on all your posts, but I did want you to know that I just LOVE LOVE LOVE how encouraging and inspiring your posts are!
I am blessed beyond measure to call you my friend, you cool chickkie. (even though I realize that's not important... I do think you're super super cool)

kim said...

Hey there girly!
I just had to let you know that I was thinking of you at 4am this morning. Yup, got the God nudge to get myself out of bed and meet my maker. (Next time I pray for a little assistance in getting up, I may be more specific and say 5 am...:) Another great blog that touches the heart and captured my thinking. As the She Speaks conference gets closer, I am finding some insecurities starting to resurface. Trying to keep the focus. Hope your weekend is a great one!

Jan said...

Another lovely post Lisa and one that hits home in many ways!!! Now that the years are piling up on the 'ole Birthday meter, I seem to be doing better w/it all tho :)

I wanted you to know that the results of my Biopsy came back and I am now a Breast Cancer patient ... "Invasive Lobular Carcinoma" to be exact. Ohhhhhh my! Soooooo many hurdles in this 'ole life; but I will continue to put my faith in the Holy One :)

Big Fat Mama said...

This was so brave of you to write this and let me assure you that you are not alone! (And when I read this I thought, Lisa feels this way? She is so strong and beautiful!) I struggled with this too, and have never liked the feeling of being judged. A few months ago it occured to me that we ARE judged and constantly, there's no getting around it. We are also judged by our Father, and His judgement is the ONLY one that matters! So in this world of being judged, I feel comfort in knowing that the One who is perfect and knows everything is judging me too and loving me despite all of my imperfections. So I seek His approval in the midst of all of my insecurities and all of the judgments that surrond me and remind myself that I am loved perfectly through Him.