While I was traveling last week, I had lots of time to think. Extended times of quiet allow me to indulge in some serious reflection. As I sat on the plane, I came to one conclusion. I am way too much like Moses. When God asks me to do something, I am full of hesitation. I offer many colorful excuses. I can’t believe God would really choose to use me. I don’t see how I could be useful for His kingdom. And I certainly proceed to tell Him all about it.
On the ride to Orange County, I just got to the hesitation part. When God speaks, I hesitate. I hate it when my children make me repeat myself. I realized they are just like me. Ouch!
I have determined to do something about this. The reason is twofold. I don’t want to hesitate with the Lord. When He calls my name, I want to scream yes at the top of my lungs, jump to my feet and run to His arms. I want to kiss the timid girl that whispers goodbye and embrace the me that lives large, sings loud and dances big. I also want my children to see what God can do with a life that lives in the yes. Because I know if you see a life lived in this way, you can’t help but want it.
Maybe I was filled with hesitation and insecurity this past week because I went to visit Mo. The last time I spent any amount of time in person with Mo, I was twelve. Or maybe fifteen, that’s the year I moved. The last time I spent a weekend with Mo, I was filled with teenagerish and awkward emotions, doubts, insecurities and questions. I revisited those this weekend. Not in a bad way. The weekend was far from discouraging. It was one of the most encouraging weekends of my entire life.
Since I got back, I’ve been having this dream over and over again. It’s of my dad tucking me in bed when I was little. He used to tuck me in real tight with all the covers wrapped snug around my body. I called it a cocoon. I loved how safe I felt in those minutes. How warm I felt. I loved how my daddy took the time to hold me close and reassure me of his love for me. Every night I spent at his house he would do this even into my teens.
I treasured those moments that I felt safe in this world. I felt loved, protected and cared for in those precious few minutes.
I realized this week that I’m still that same girl searching for some significance and reassurance from my Father. As I read the story of Moses last night, I realized Moses needed God’s reassurance. Six times in Exodus 4 alone, Moses questions God before he finally just goes to free God’s people.
His job wasn’t easy. He tried again and again. And when the Israelites were finally free, Moses’ job only got more difficult! But God was patient with him. God let him know again and again that he was not alone. God filled in his gaps. God provided all he needed.
I am reminded that even in my hesitation, even in my questioning, even in my insecurities, God has called me and His word is clear. He will do what He has said He will do.
"The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24