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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Exposed

Before radiation started last week, I had a practice session or what they call a simulation. This is where I went in, they marked me up so the lasers would aim at the right spots, they made a mold for my body so I won’t get out of line while on the table and they took a CT scan to make sure they were right. These were my thoughts. These were my same thoughts after my first treatment too. Nothing really changed those two days. Both sessions seemed to take forever. My arm fell asleep. My body itched and twitched. Well, just read about it.

Exposed. That’s the one word that describes my radiation therapy so far. Monday as I lay in a cold room on a hard table exposed, I alternated between nervous laughter and deep breathing. There were pictures. Lots of pictures.

There were questions. Lots of questions. Questions in the radiation room are asked while maintaining strict eye contact to ignore the obvious. Technicians switch gears to medical jargon and scientific mumbo jumbo. That is my cue to clench my eyes tight and try to avoid the uncomfortableness that comes from having four men and eight eyes and hands examining my slightly mismatched sisters as I lay there. Exposed.

The doctor explained in medical terms my treatment. Intermediate dose to a fairly large area that will miss my heart and only radiate part of my lungs. High dose electronic beam to the tumor bed. Lasers pinpoint the exact spots that are to receive the healing poison. Permanent markers and waterproof tape mark the boundaries where the lasers are pointed to expose my body to one of the only known causes of sarcoma. Radiation exposure. Except only this will heal it too. Exposed.

In a word, I’ve wrestled with only one fear about radiation. Exposure. The poison that kills this beast also causes it. That’s where my brain’s been in a tiff.

Monday as I entered the hospital, met the staff and visited with Dr. Z one more time, I felt peace. Deep peace. I reminded myself some simple facts that laid the groundwork for peace. These hard facts made the hard choice easy for me. Choose trust.

I fought hard to get to this place, one of the best high volume sarcoma clinics in the nation. I fought hard to get the opinions and treatment these expert doctors give. I’ve chosen to grab hold of the knowledge of these experts and rest in the fact they know sarcoma like no other doctors. I know that all I am exposed to has passed through the hands of my God and I can grab hold of the faith and hope that offers. I have exposed my fears before Him and laid them at His feet just as I laid on that cold, hard table. Exposed.

Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I'm about… then guide me on the road to eternal life. Psalm 139:23-24

8 comments:

Queenmothermamaw said...

Lisa one of the most beautiful and inspiring posts you have ever written. Blessings to you.
QMM

Donna said...

Lisa,

So thankful that you are back and for the update. Know that you remain in our prayers.

I like what you said "I know that all I am exposed to has passed through the hands of my God and I can grab hold of the faith and hope that offers. I have exposed my fears before Him and laid them at His feet just as I and laid on that cold, hard table. Exposed."

We don't like to be exposed, but sometimes it is necessary and needful. May we be willing to expose our fears, our doubts, our thoughts, and more to our Heavenly Father where what we expose will be in a safe place.

Blessings Lisa to you and your family!

Sonja said...

Lisa:

There is so much wisdom in your heart these days, and there is also so much fun! YOU are making me laugh out loud! So, between chuckles, please know that I still pray, every morning, for the final result of this to be total healing. You are setting such an example to so many my friend!

Love & Hugs!

Sonja

Andrea said...

Ugh, what a hard place. Praying for continued healing and His presence with you always!!
Hang in there

Christie said...

Lisa,

Healing poison...Lord, do Your WILL with it!

Praying for you today...sometimes He wants us "exposed" in order to "heal" us and conform us...

Love always,
Christie

Christiana said...

"He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge." -Psalm 91:4

Praying for you, my sweet friend.

Bernie said...

Been there done that and only with one of my girls......and I trusted with all my heart that God's will be done. I am a survivor and give all thanks to my Lord and saviour, just think of what he did for us on the cross........:-) Hugs

Denise said...

Beautiful my dear sis, love you.