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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Cure

Cure. That’s a word that rolls around in my mind lots. Like I’ve said before, I honestly thought down deep in my heart (even though I knew better in my head) that when I visited the smart Dr. R that he would give me a magical little white pill. I would take it for some weeks or months or even years and then I would be pronounced cured.

In cancer, you don’t really get cured. You get "no evidence of disease" or "cancer-free" but you don't really get cured. At least you don't get labeled "cured" immediately. 

Right now I have no visible evidence of disease. We are using the radiation treatments to better my chances of living cancer-free for a long, long time.

I won’t know if I’m really cured until I die of something else without ever fighting cancer again. **Sigh** Does that frustrate anyone else?

Today I saw my life like this. Two columns of tally marks stand on a tall wall. On the left, my mark has been counted. That’s the column for “sarcoma diagnosis.” On the right, not as many marks sit so proudly. That’s the column for died disease- free of natural causes. That’s the column where I want my mark boldly placed, but not for many, many more years.

So in order to reach the cure I so desperately desire, I must die first, another one of cancer’s wonderful ironies. I’m not ready yet. Not for cancer or any other malady. I’m young. I’m living. I’m still going strong.

Today was the day I made friends with NED (No Evidence of Disease). I haven’t been formally pronounced yet but I expect to be in about six more weeks after my scans. I will join the ranks of those in the middle column. Living disease free after successful treatment (a few small spots under watch, of course.)

I’m ready to be there today. I celebrate those words with you today. Tumor removed. Clear margins (even the fraction of a millimeter clear because hey, clear is clear!). I’m learning to live with and learning to love those words. I think this means I am coming to the acceptance part of cancer. I'm not so paranoid or self-conscious about being part of that group. Weird. It still feels strange like it did that first day of diagnosis. I still feel like I should be standing in front of a group of people saying, “Hi my name is lisasmith and I have cancer.” Only this time it’s not a room of strangers. Today it’s a room full of friends.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

13 comments:

Lisa Buffaloe said...

Praying for you, sweet Lisa!

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Lisa all I can think is how the place where you are is an analogy for life here on earth - in that we are suspended between Eden and Heaven. Longing for what we once had and aching for the future. In limbo. And we were never meant to live in limbo, but here we are - and now, the good news is, the Lord is here with us.

Meanwhile, praise the Lord for clear margins!!

Bernie said...

Only God knows what lies ahead of each of us but when we love and trust him as we do then we know he will handle everything for us.....not to worry my young friend, you are in God's Hands and somehow I believe his plans for you are to mother your children for many years yet. I trust him with your disease, I know he will do what is best. Be well my friend, and I am hoping you get lots of rest whenever you have the chance.
Always in my heart and prayers...Hugs

Denise said...

God loves you beautiful sis, and so do I.

angie128 said...

{{HUGS HUGS HUGS}}

Donna said...

Lisa, we celebrate with you today! God is so good and so very faithful! He will continue to strengthen you and renew you!

I wanted to share a testimony of a lady in my church. She testified on Sunday that she is now "cancer-free"! About 2 1/2 years ago she was given six months to live. The church prayed for her continuously and she believed in her healing. It was a long battle, but we are thankful today for her total healing!

We serve a God who is healer! And we thank Him for all that He is doing in your life!

Andrea said...

Yes, this frustrates me...
Praying with you, sweet friend!
Hugs,
andrea

Jan said...

Hi Lisa :) I've been keeping up w/your posts but haven't had the time to post ... just doing so today so you'll know that I'm still thinking about you and praying for you daily :) Hugs to you!

Sonja said...

Lisa:

You are precious!!! That was so neat... your walk is speaking to us daily and reminding us that He has written our days in His book, and He has heard all the prayers... I am trusting with you for MANY MANY years ahead with a deeper and clearer sense of your own purpost BECAUSE of this experience...

Hugs!

Sonja

Sniffles and Smiles said...

And there will be ups and downs on the journey...but He is there...and actually, everyone's life is just as tenuous as those of us who are "cancer patients" or "cancer free..." Only difference? The rest of the world doesn't know it, and doesn't live accordingly...That's the blessing of it...even with the horror and the fear. And so I celebrate today, one brave and beautiful woman..."Hello, her name is Lisa Smith!!" Love you!! And continue to pray for you!!!! Janine XO

Tea With Tiffany said...

Today it's full of friends. I love that. And I love knowing and praying for you. Thank you for sharing here. Your life matters to me.

sarah said...

praying for you and will post on my blog tomorrow asking for more prayers for you. Stay strong ok. I'm posting at www.gentlerecovery.blogspot.com

Gretchen said...

I'll be praying for you as you make friends with NED, and stand firm on the win you already have. xxxooo