Another weird day. I’ve been told for six weeks that I would probably need chemo to get rid of the high grade or aggressive cancer in my body. I was ready on Monday to know the plan of attack. I had my dukes up and I was ready to fight.
When I finally got to a medical oncologist’s office at MD Anderson, after months of fighting insurance and weeks of waiting, I was told that medically nothing else could be done to increase my odds. I was told my odds, in his opinion (and he does have a very well respected opinion) were very good. We were both in agreement that the odds were certainly not good enough, certainly not acceptable, but for cancer they were unquestionably good. He went so far as to say he didn’t think I’d need any further treatment at all. Ultimately radiation would be the surgeon’s call but he didn’t think I needed it and the surgeon had already said she didn’t think I needed it.
He spent lots of time telling me that I’m at a good point. Cancer patients all want to be at the point where their treatment is finished. I had gotten there quicker than lots, he said. Instead of a nasty fight, the good doc told me I needed to put away my fight and make peace. Learn to live in the uncertainty is what he said.
Yesterday I replayed his words in my head. Again and again and again. I made peace with those words. I began to realize just how God’s hand is surely on me because I don’t have to go through the horrors of chemo. I just began to see with a tad bit of clarity and to relish this spot ever so slightly. I refused to go through what ifs and very timidly began to set some goals in my mind.
I’ll run my marathon this summer.
I’ll make sure we find a way to get that boat and actually enjoy the lake where we are making our home.
I’ll wear my hair really poofy for a few days, be proud I get to keep it and thank God for it.
Okay maybe poofy hair wasn’t a goal but it sounds like a fun way to appreciate hair, huh?
First thing this morning, my phone rang. It was the nurse practitioner calling to say that surprisingly the radiation oncologist the surgeon had consulted with thought I would benefit from radiation. I’m thankful for a speedy answer. I’m thankful for a speedy appointment (she’s trying to work me in on Friday). I’m just a little unused to the idea of radiation. I was making peace. I had started to live in the calm after the storm. Tonight I'm preparing for that fight.
Monday I was ready to hear radiation. Tuesday I was thankful I didn’t hear it. Wednesday I heard radiation.
My mind and emotions begin reeling again. Tears fall again. Anger surfaces again. Again, my husband points me north. He says I should be glad something more can be done. I’m trying. I really am.
I was reminded of something this morning. And then I was reminded of this truth over and over again today. God knows. He has not forgotten a single detail of my life. Or yours. God is completely able to handle all of my fears. And yours. All of my questions. And yours. And all of my needs. And yours.
Last week when I was vacuuming my closet, the vacuum sucked up a pair of my favorite comfy sweat pants. These pants have big silver beads at the end of the ties in the waistband so that the string doesn’t get lost inside. The vacuum stole one. I was upset but trying not to sweat it. I took the tube out of the vacuum and even emptied the bag. I searched in vain for about five or ten minutes quickly abandoning my search to attend to things that really matter.
Yesterday when I was cleaning out my closet, I found that big silver bead. I laughed out loud. I almost cried. Actually, I think a few tears escaped. I knew God was telling me He was in my cancer plan just as He is in every little detail of my life. My mind immediately went to the sparrows. I’m so glad I serve a God who doesn’t just have a plan for my cancer, He even has a plan for my closet! I serve a God who’s in the details.
“What's the price of a pet [sparrow]? Some loose change, right? And God cares what happens to it even more than you do. He pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million [sparrows].” Matthew 10:29-31