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Thursday, March 11, 2010

Diagnosis: High Grade Pleomorphic Sarcoma

I don’t understand the diagnosis anymore than you do. I’m not sure what I was expecting. I mean, I certainly don’t think this is bad news. It really doesn’t tell me anymore than I already knew.

We will meet with a medical oncologist (hopefully) soon to determine a course of treatment. We have lots and lots of questions. I mean, think about how many you have and I guarantee you I have more.

Today was a hard day. I’m tired, not feeling very well and wanted to go to sleep early and welcome spring break in style. When the wonderful and beautiful Lynn Grimes called with the final pathology report, it took my breath away and I listened intently as she spoke. I started asking questions. She promised an email. I waited.

I got the email and started Googling like crazy. Frustration set in as I realized there is not much to know. Treatment depends on the doctor. There are basically two factors that determine whether chemo and/or radiation are necessary, tumor size and grade. I have a small high-grade tumor. That is rare. Small is good. High-grade is bad.

And so we wait.

You’d think I would’ve learned by now that God teaches us, perfects us and talks to us in the waiting. I told God I was sick of waiting. But I know the truth. Once the chemo and/or radiation question is answered, the “is it working” and “what next” questions start. Once those are answered, the “is it back” questions begin. You know, you get a headache and wonder if it’s in the brain, you get bronchitis and wonder if it’s in the lungs.

Therefore, I will wait.

I see a theme weaving throughout the days of my life. I think of King David waiting. Waiting to become king he made music and beautiful songs in the fields alone. I think of Jesus waiting. Waiting to perform his first miracle, he communed with His Father alone. I think of us, the bride of Christ waiting for His return. Waiting to be fully known and worship eternally, we live.

And I will wake up tomorrow and thank God for making me alive today. And I will live that today with gusto. Praising God that I get to participate in the little things. And I will repeat this process day after day.

I will learn, probably much too slowly, to train my brain to focus on today, to be thankful for today, to fully enjoy all my todays. Yes, Lord, I am thankful I have today.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” Matthew 6:34

Focusing on the right now with God,

31 comments:

Beth@Not a Bow in Sight said...

Lisa, I am praying for you right now. I always call the waiting places the "middle" places. And aren't they where we spend most of our lives- somewhere in the middle? Much love to you tonight. May your sleep be sweet :)

Alyssa said...

you inspire me with your faith and steadfastness. praying for you to continue to cling to Him and His truth in the months ahead...

Tea With Tiffany said...

Focusing on today with you. Praying for you as you wait on Him. He's pleased with you. You delight God's heart.

I don't have understanding about what you are going through, but I CARE about what you are going through.

Thank you for sharing your words and your time with us. I appreciate that more than you know.

Hugs and love and a big virtual sunflower!

His Love Extended--Julie Gorman said...

Covering you, your family, and your "what ifs" and "what nows" in prayer.

May the God of all comfort and peace guard your heart. May He fill your mouth with laughter and your heart with joy.

And Father, we ask in the precious name of Jesus that you would heal quickly and completely. Amen.

MartySQ said...

Lisa,
I only know about you through a freak thing on Facebook, but have followed... I am praying. I too am a breast cancer survivor. What I learned in my waiting time was that I needed to surrender. I held on to the phrase.. "I know God loves me. I know His timing is perfect." It was in the quiet waiting that I could hear him speaking to me. Relax into Him, and may you draw strength from your very close encounter with Him.

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Lisa, that was so beautiful. How can I come to your blog and be encouraged right now?? But I am, very much so.

Love to you.

Bernie said...

Oh Lisa, you are a very strong woman with an even stronger faith.
All will be okay, one day at a time loving your children, being a wife and daughter.....You know you walk with grace.....always in my heart and prayers.......:-) Hugs

Keleigh said...

Lisa, I'm steadfastly standing with you, believing in the miracle of your healing. God listens. He answers prayer. He is so very faithful, and for that I'm eternally grateful. So thank you, Lord, for this servant's good health, in the name of Jesus.

I told my Dad that God's definitely giving us the lesson of patience, and I keep telling him that we've got it so let's move on. ;)

Just so you know, the internet said that my sister's chances of surviving with that highly aggressive RSV and pneumonia at that utterly helpless stage of her bone marrow transplant was 17%. She came off the ventilator today. God listens to prayer.

I'm praying for your happy dance, the one where you discover that you're cancer-free and know without a doubt that the rest of your life stretches in a very long road before you.

God's blessings on you and yours.

Queenmothermamaw said...

Will continue my prayer schedule for you 2:30 is my time. And many times during the day I think of you and since I traveled this same route with my 32 year old sister and being a nurse I can know what is going on with you. Not like someone who experienced it but with my beloved sister I kept wishing it was me instead of her. God is holding us all up and He keeps His promises.
QMM

Jennifer said...

Lamentations 3:24 The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him.

How many times has this scripture gotten me through the waiting and hard times, goodness I can't begin to know. But, I pray He will be your portion of whatever you need each moment of the day while you wait. Praying for you! Love you!

Jenn

annette said...

Your honest heart is fertile ground - a perfect spot for His next miracle. Much to do in the waiting, preparing for God's next task, and you are finding rest like many of us never know. It's a complicated rest, but it's the surest peace when nothing else makes sense, He does. I am praying for you and your family, Lisa. Your testimony inspires and gives such glory. Love, Annette

Andrea said...

Hurry up and wait...GOD seems to do this in my life, too.
Know that I continue to storm the heavens on your behalf.
Hugs,
andrea

Melanie said...

Ugh... I HATE waiting, and I am praying for you. Be encouraged today because God continues to use you in a great way for Him, even in the waiting. You are a light. You are a warrior. You are God's strength in weakness. I agree with 'Tea with Tiffany' -- God is so pleased with you. Don't give up. May God bless you richly!

misslynda said...

I will be praying for you and wisdom for your doctors as they determine your treatment - - that it would be effective in the battle.

Melanie said...

The waiting...all I have to offer this morning is my prayer for 100% recovery and the phrase "strenth in the strain."
Love,
Melanie

Jennifer said...

Wow! What a powerful post!

Praying for you and with you as you wait. Our Father already knows the plans He has for us, so let us not worry about today.

Have a Great day and rejoice in it!

sonja said...

Lisa:

So now we have some new and fancy words... the words are not new to the one who made you. He is still our source, and we continue to pray and walk right beside you. You are 'standing', and that's just what God loves... for us to trust Him in the 'waiting room' just like any place else.

Easier said than done? You bet it is! So now, even more than before... don't let that subtle enemy gain an inch! You are in His hands, the safest place to be.

Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with God. (Psalm 27:14)

Extra hugs today!

Sonja

Jan said...

Hi Lisa ... prayers continuing for you my dear as you and your family continue along this difficult journey with God leading the way. He brought you to it, so I fully believe that He will see you through it. Big hugs to you and wishing you a day that finds you surrounded by love, kindness, friendship and continued Faith. God's Speed!

Sandy at God Speaks Today said...

Lisa,
This is one of the most beautiful posts I've read in a long time. Only the waiting brings this much clarity. I hate you have to endure this, but I see the fruit God is producing in you just by a few paragraphs.

You have thousands of people waiting with you. I just found out that three of my high school friends from Toledo OH with whom I've recently reconnected on Facebook are all on your prayer wall. Huh???? I had no idea.

Just think of all of the unknown people who are lifting you up today.

I will live today more fully because of you, dear friend.

I love you,
Sandy

Anonymous said...

Dearest Lisa,
I have never written to you, but I have followed closely, sometimes checking back 2 or 3 times a day for updates. But, I want you to know you have taught me so much! Your strength you have shown is amazing and I am in awe of what the Lord is doing in your life.
I am praying for you,for complete healing and complete restoration! He is "clothing you with strength and dignity and your position is strong and secure; and you will rejoice over the future (the latter day or time to come)." Prov.31:25.
Thank you for sharing with us.
I thought of you when reading this verse this morning..."The Lord is with you, you might warrior of fearless courage" judges 6:12.
Keep being strong! You are a gift to us!
Kelly

Cindy (Letters From Midlife) said...

I also am continuing to pray. You did exactly what I would have done...Googled and sought out information. I'll pray that you'll get concrete answers to your questions so you and your doctors have wisdom to proceed.

Gigi said...

OK...there is strength in the knowing. Still more to be learned as to treatment, but at least the diagnosis has been made and there is power in that knowledge!

I LOVE the verse you closed your post out with...love, love, love it!!! I am going to write it out and meditate on it today as I need to be reminded of that myself - so thank you for the gift!

As I read your post, one of my favorite verses flooded through my mind so I'll leave it with you here, along with a HUGE ((hug))...love you, sister!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

TRUTH SHARER said...

Lisa:

What an honest heartfelt post of human facts and God-taught facts!

Hang in there - you are learning well! Praise God for your 'today'!

The verse that God gives me over and over again is this:

2 Corinthians 4:16
The Message

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without His unfolding grace."

Let God remind you of this daily as He does for me!

NEVER GIVE UP - GOD IS ALWAYS WORKING!

Love you sister,
Stephanie
JESUS ONLY in 2010

Shanda said...

I love John Waller's song, "While I'm Waiting." You can listen to it on You Tube. None of us are promised tomorrow. We all need to allow God to help us live each day to the fullest through Christ and for His glory.

I'm sorry that you weren't able to gain more understanding with the diagnosis. The "planner" in us is often so ready to just lay out a plan of action and begin executing. Somehow it feels better to have a plan and be taking steps (even if they are painful steps) than waiting.

It is clear that God is lovingly drawing you deeper; thank you for being transparent enough for us to learn alongside of you.

Much love and continued prayers!

Loren said...

Lisa,

Am catching up on you and wanted you to know....
Your heart and your faith just take my breath away! Words and feelings will leave us with questions and doubt but laying all of this at the feet of our Father, our Jesus who will go to HIM on our behalf is where we need to turn, to look to, to depend on and as you so eloquently shared ~ to trust HIM in the waiting!
I am standing and believing and trusting with you my dear sister in the Lord! HE shines so brightly in YOU

Jen said...

Loving you and praying for you and with you.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know I have been and am continuing to pray for you Lisa.

Erika

Deborah said...

Hi Lisa: I am still praying. I am praying that you get all your questions answered and that you get a quick recovery.
xxoo
Deborah

Denise said...

I am praying, without ceasing for you. I love you bunches.

Lelia Chealey said...

Love you Lisa

FAITH said...

PRAYING AND THINKING OF YOU AS THE LORD OUR GOD S THE ULTIMATE HEALER
THIS CANCER HAS HT IN OUR FAMLY AND ATTACKED MY DAD WE ARE ALL PRAYING FOR HIM AND FOR YOU
XXX