I will lead Lisa and her family by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16
This is the email I received from my sweet friend Renee the other day. It struck something in me.
As we navigate the murky waters of a cancer diagnosis and treatment that even expert doctors and specialists don’t know a whole bunch about, we feel like we are wandering down a dark road. It can be really scary at times.
Saturday morning as Andrew and I laid in bed talking, I read him this verse as I wept. Then he prayed over me and I wept some more.
I have felt this tremendous release since Friday afternoon.
I have released emotions. I can’t stop crying.
I have felt released from the insurance battle against Scott and White. I am now free to seek the treatment necessary to save my life.
I have felt a release in God’s direction. Decisions we have been agonizing over for the past year suddenly became clearer this weekend.
I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that this feeling of being released is scary. I truly feel free of the Scott and White mess and although it’s a good feeling, it’s scary to know treatment, which I’ve been told most likely will be chemotherapy and then radiation, is looming. Yes, I’m ready to fight. Yes, I’m scared of what the toxic drugs will do to my body. Yes, I’m more scared of what the cancer will do if left untreated.
After a good heart-to-heart with God this morning, I feel like being scared is different from being fearful. I’m scared of what’s ahead, but I am ready to face it. Head on! I am not experiencing the paralyzing fear that holds us prisoner to the past. I will do what I need to do. Boldly. Fearlessly. Not alone.
I know God is by my side and when I need him to protect me, he’ll fall behind me. When I need him to lead me he’ll walk ahead. When I need him to comfort me, he’ll fall in step with me and slide his arm around me.
As the tears slid down my face Saturday morning, Andrew and I marveled at God’s leading and protecting. We clearly can look back and see his hand in the whole Scott and White battle. And that is comforting.
Even when we felt like we were stumbling around in the dark, he was there. Leading. Guiding. Protecting.
We left Friday’s hearing feeling God’s hand in getting me to MD Anderson for treatment was surely all over the events leading to now.
Had things gone a different way, I’m not sure I would have had my surgery in a high volume center which is what we all now know is one of the top two factors in determining long term survival for sarcoma patients. I am so incredibly grateful that God brought Son Light to a very dark road.
“But I'll take the hand of those who don't know the way, who can't see where they're going. I'll be a personal guide to them, directing them through unknown country. I'll be right there to show them what roads to take, make sure they don't fall into the ditch. These are the things I'll be doing for them—sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute." Isaiah 42:16 The Message
Walking in the light,