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Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Girliness


First let me tell y'all that Dr. Kelly Hunt is an incredible pioneer in both fields of sarcoma and breast cancer. She has won numerous awards, two in the past three years. She is published in over 200 publications (and she's not too much older than me!). She is an assistant director of the breast department and chief of surgery. She is (according to a fellow survivor and friend), " a pioneer...extremely hard to get into and absolutely the best!"

I couldn't be more excited that God has handpicked the best surgical oncologist for me. That as she applied herself in medical school, chose areas of specialty to study and sacrificially gave her life to help people, He watched and He had me in mind. Thank you, Lord! Please give Dr. Hunt wisdom and discernment as she reviews my case. Please let us communicate well and give her favor with Scott & White Health Plan. Thank you for your sovereign plan, Lord. Thank you.
*********************

Today is a Daniel Day (To catch up with my travels, click here.) and I'm not sure my words are super encouraging but I need to share my struggle so you can pray. Beware there are spewing words here. (You know spewing...the honest type words that just spew when your mouth pops open.)

This week is about humility vs. vanity. I have spent many days of my life staring at the mirror. Staring, in particular, at my hair. I love my hair. The fact that it's one of my best features is something I can be found saying often. My husband can be heard saying that often. He loves my hair. Even wearing it shoulder-length was a huge step for him. He loves my hair long (I know, what man doesn't?).

This week, I wonder if I'll lose it next week. I wonder if it's worth the time to dye my roots. I wonder if I need to be saving the money for a cancer treatment instead. I wonder if I'll even know who I am without it when I look in the mirror.

I just recently heard about a breast cancer survivor who chose to shave her head when she began to lose her hair. Her reason was that she wanted to be in control of something. Anything. I so get that feeling.

It's that feeling that caused me to go on frenzied rampage today cleaning out and organizing my fridge. It's that feeling that caused me to totally go ballistic and lose it over running out of hot water, losing car keys and breaking my cell phone these last few days. (Okay, breaking a cell phone would cause anyone to go ballistic as I have to drive to The Woodlands to fix to tomorrow morning not knowing if I'll be missing calls from MDA.)

But my response to the hair shaving was, "I think I'll hold onto every.last.hair for as.long.as.possible." Seriously, I'll be the one wearing a pink ribbon tied around a pony tail of one scraggly strand.

Because, although, I hate to admit it. I think I find some, if not lots of, definition and security in not just my hair, but my looks.

These are the questions whirring in my mind right now. Will I still feel feminine when I wake up from surgery? Will my husband still find me attractive? How will it feel to go out in public? Will everyone know? Will I enjoy summer time and swim suit season or will I be too sick anyway?

I hate these questions because the questions I need to be concerned with are so much more important. Like, what are the odds my disease is curable? What is the chance of recurrence? When do I need to begin treatment? How many other women have this? How will you treat me? What is my complete diagnosis? How many other women with this disease have you operated on/treated? What is your success rate? What are my odds of survival?

I've decided to fight the battle of pride and vanity by meditating on the truth concerning femininity and a woman's beauty.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Proverbs 31:30

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 1 Peter 3:3-4

But God (said), "Looks aren't everything. Don't be impressed with (her) looks and stature. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Nothing like breaking the flesh to see one's true heart. I honestly believe wrestling with this will become a blessing of suffering. I pray I am found living what I truly believe. Lord, don't let me waste this.

20 comments:

Gretchen said...

Lisa, I stand in awe of your courage & God-given strength. I know you must be scared, but you are moving forward, eyes on God. It's completely understandable that you would be concerned over your possible hair loss. After all, God made us wired to love beautiful things, & He made your gorgeous hair. Fortunately, He has filled you with His Holy Spirit, which makes you most beautiful, indeed. Inside & out. Praying for you, my new Safari Sister-Friend. Xxxooogretchen

Denise said...

My dear sis, your beauty is a forever, lasting beauty. I love you.

Harry Potter font said...

hello!
I agree with you

His Girl said...

Lisa,
I can't even know what God's plan is, allowing this trial... but I think (dare I even say this?!?!?) that you're giving us a tiny glimpse of what he's up to when you're writing these posts!!!
Right now I'm thinking of the scripture in 1 Corinthians..."But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her." I'm not sure how this stands up theologically, but it seems to me this:
When/if you give up your hair in the fight for this illness- because you are doing it (fighting) so you can continue to run the race He's put before you...
wouldn't that mean you're laying down your glory for His?

hmmmmmmm......

I'm very, very sorry about the potential things you have to concern you with, and you GET TO be sad about losing every bit of the things that could be around the corner, (and confess my vanity about my hair too) but I must say that I am SO PROUD OF YOU, am praying, and I just know that something INCREDIBLE is around the corner.

mad, mad love, girl.

Faye said...

God Bless You Lisa..You are such a blessing to me girl..We are praying..God is listening..As for the hair..You are beautiful no matter what..I admire your strength and courage..I will be checking for updates..Love you, Faye

B His Girl said...

Lisa, You know you are beautiful! Inside and out. My sister is going thru chemo now for cancer. She has lost her hair but her wig looks like her natural hair. I think we all identify with your questions. That is the human side of us. You will still shine in this because you are a carrier of His light. I am thankful for the blessing of Dr Hunt. Praying for wisdom and favor. Also praying for you to see the reflection of the Lord's beauty in you! Be strong and courageous. The Lord is with you. Stop and feel His Presence..... Love you, B

TRUTH SHARER said...

Oh Lisa:

Thank you for being vulnerable in front of us all! This way we get to ask ourselves those same questions along with you and therefore examine our own hearts before God on these matters!

I love that Proverbs 31:30 verse and 1 Samuel 16:7.... then the last paragraph you wrote give us all HOPE in the face of difficulities - that God brought your thoughts back to His Word - His TRUTH about all these issues. THAT is where we must come. Back to the TRUTH in order to dispell the lies of the enemy!

Beauty is from within - from the heart! And I KNOW that God will use this to show you - not only Who HE Is - but who YOU truly ARE in Christ!!! His BELOVED Princess - with a head full of golden hair or a heart full of golden faith!

Steppin' into your next 'leg' of your Sacred Adventure with Him!

PS: I just saw something as I was about to send this through...
Gretchen wrote that you must be "scared"... Look what happen when God changes the 'ca' in "scared" INTO 'AC' - "SACRED"
Makes me think that your suffering is for a Sacred Purpose!

Choosing JOY in the JOURNEY,
Stephanie
JESUS ONLY in 2010

Nezzy said...

I just popped over from Grammy Girlfriend. Sweetie, you are an amazing woman facing the fight of your life. This Ozarks farm chick so gets the hair thing. As we all know it is the inner beauty that counts, the beauty that God sees but when it's you and your hair...I get it.

I will just join you and your blog-sisters in prayer that God touches you with His mighty healing power and that he just saturates your soul with peace. It just doesn't get more beautiful than that! I will keep you in my prayers dear Sister.

From the hills and hollers of the Missouri Ponderosa, ya'll have a wonderfully blessed day!!!

Robin said...

Lisa, such a honest and beautifully written post. How many times do we look at our appearance and see beauty and gloss over the fact that God looks at our heart. You have shown that your beauty is not simply on the outside but it comes from deep within your soul. Praying that God will bless you and cover you and give you more grace than you can imagine.

Robin

sonja said...

I think all of us completely understand these thoughts... God gave you that head of hair and He knows we love our hair!

Our dil went through chemo and radiation a few years ago and she has thick curly hair. It all went away, and then... IT ALL CAME BACK, honestly it's thicker than ever and wonderful... and yours will be too!!!

Besides, it's your heart that is really beautiful, as we watch you and follow your days.... and see your yielded heart. We are all cheering like crazy and praying firmly!

Hugs Lisa!

Sonja

Loren said...

You have so much favor Lisa and YES! HE is listening ~ always listening.....and guess what ...HE knows that each and everyone of us have something we love about ourselves ~ our eyes, our hair but here is the thing....HE created that beautiful hair of yours and HE loves it too ~ HE also knows your submissive heart and with every step you are drawing near to HIM even in your fear, or concern of losing your hair....I spent this week in 2Sam6 learning about David being mad at God and afraid of what HE was doing/had done.... guess what??? Even in Davids anger God gave him a glimpse of Hope by blessing Obed-edom. When David saw this He went about praising the LORD again!! Being honest is something the Lord will bless and your revealing this blesses HIM and shows us a godly example.....so thank you Lisa and know you are not spewing you are being honest!

Bless you and praying for complete healing and peace along the way!

Bernie said...

Okay I am one of those ladies that have lost her hair from chemo and a breast to cancer and I had the very same questions as you have.
Everyone was answered, I was humbled but I survived. I didn't think I looked like a woman anymore I was wrong, I was bald and again I was wrong... my hair grew back.....I learned many lessons through my journey with cancer and have used my experience to help others when I could.
God, Faith, Family, and Friends will see you through this Lisa. All will be well sweetie. You do have beautifull hair and if it does fall out you will be okay, your husband doesn't love you for your hair, he loves you for your heart......always in my heart and prayers........:-) Hugs

PS: Lisa when my hair began to fall out I had it shaved off as there was hair everywhere and was getting so hard to keep everything hair free and clean....your decision my friend, it is something you have control over. Luv you,

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Lisa,

I cannot tell you in words what your blog has spoken to me....As I read your post today I thought of a young Mom here in my town that is walking the same road and her blog is a delight. Thought it might encourage you...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/korishurley

Her Dad owns the Shreveport Battlewings, she has a huge support system, this is not her first battle in life, she is the essence of grace and beauty and yet she battles..

Praying for you everyday...

Teresa
annah99@aol.com

nancygrayce said...

I don't think there's a woman on this planet that wouldn't feel the same way!

You're strong and stand strong and courageous because the Lord is with you!

Prayers!

Jen said...

You know, when I think of you and pray for you, all I know of your physical being is the small avatar picture on your page. But I don't even think of that. I think of your true beauty...your heart, your sweet words, your gift for speaking God's truth and love.
No matter what happens to your hair, know that you are beautiful, inside as well as out.
Much, much love to you and continued prayers....

Sandy said...

"I've decided to fight the battle of pride and vanity by meditating on the truth concerning femininity and a woman's beauty."

Chills, chills and more chills. What a statement here, friend.

You had me at "my best feature is my hair."

It never ceases to amaze me how identical we are in so many ways, yet have never met personally. I am learning so much from you.

I love you,
Sandy

Gigi said...

Lisa, I would encourage you to remember the words of Jesus and not borrow tomorrow's troubles. Not all chemo causes hair loss. And if it does, it will be temporary. So, just like when you get a horrific haircut, just keep repeating "it's only hair and it will grow back!!" Longer, stronger and more lovely than ever!!

I know how hard it is, but try and stay in the moment. Sufficient for the day are its own problems...just take this journey a step at a time.

Love, blessings and prayers...

Peter and Nancy said...

The things you have written (your thoughts & life in Christ) reveal the "real" you in a way that your appearance could never do. This is what your blog followers love -- the you that God created.

That said, all of us struggle with these questions of identity, worth and appearance . . . thanks for sharing your journey in this area. Courage and love,
Nancy

Tiffani said...

Lisa,
I so completely understand about the hair and I think I'd be doing exactly what you are doing...

I love the truths you are persuing in the midst of this trial!!

xoxoxo

Tiffani

Shanda said...

I love how you are walking through all of this with a wide open heart and a teachable spirit. My heart breaks for/with you on so many levels and then it rejoices with you so deeply with the next post.

Your last words, "Lord, don't let me waste this." Brought me to tears. You're not wasting it girl; you're workin it!

Love to you-