(The first part of this post is a repeat from February 4, 2009. The end includes new material. This post is an entry for a scholarship to the Proverbs 31 She Speaks conference. Please click the links in the story for more information.)
"Speak!" You spoke the word to my heart. I silenced the fear, quenched the questioning and willed the response. It took all the courage I could muster, "Okay..." I responded.
Then six days later the invitation came. You are so good.
Your command to speak has left me speechless.
A dream of seventeen years, a vision seen by a young college coed, a desire placed deep within is being born. A hard, winding and narrow road slowly yet steadily traveled to get to this point of complete surrender. I am finally in a place where for an instant, in the instant You spoke, the doubting ceased and my mouth moved without hesitation. I spoke. An answer. To You.
I wanted to shout from the rooftops, scream at the top of my lungs, "Yes, oh yes, my Lord!" But the word that took my everything to choke out was simply , "Okay."
Oh Lord, You know me. You have known all along that in Your time you would use me.
Yesterday I was just another girl with a dusty old dream. I was worn out, giving up and looking down when You rescued me. You have taken my old dream and crafted it for a new purpose. Rescued that dream from a deep, dark place in my soul and shed Your light on it. You have freed me to move at Your command, to demonstrate my love for You.
No, I'm not as free as I long to be. You see the me I see when I close my eyes. The me I see in my mind's eye worships freely, dances gracefully and lives largely. But today, You have freed me enough to utter one simple, willing word, "Okay."
I am so thankful You are not finished with me yet. Today I feel as if You are just beginning. Today I feel hope that You will use that dusty, old dream in a shiny, new way. Today I feel the life You have breathed into my destiny. Oh, how I have waited. Waited for Your arms to lift. Waited for Your voice to command. Waited. On You. My Lord.
You see, I had to become broken.
And broken...is very beautiful.
This was written about two months ago after attending Girls Day Out with Lysa and Renee of Proverbs 31. God invited me to go deeper with Him, outloud. I simply responded to His lead. His invitation to speak has been spoken over my heart for many years. That night God gave me the courage to put words and voice to a dormant dream fear has kept hidden deep in my heart. God gave the faith of a mustard seed to a larger-than-life dream living inside the heart of an ordinary girl. I am overwhelmed with gratitude that God would see fit to breathe His life into my dream. You see, my story and my life are not unique. They are simply ordinary. I live an ordinary life but I love an extraordinary God.
When God called me to write He wasn't only asking me to put words on paper. I had been doing that for years. I have journals full of my own private thoughts. He was asking me to put a voice to His work in my life. He asked me to put words here on a blog where you could see it but to write as if only He were reading it. Writing this blog has been a journey of faith. Every time I sit to write, He speaks and I simply respond.
God had me stumble over to Lysa's She Speaks scholarship opportunity through a new friend yesterday. I have dreamed of attending the Proverbs 31 She Speaks conference for speakers, writers and bloggers since I first heard about it a few years ago. Fear has had that dream bundled tightly sitting in a dark corner of my heart. Until now. I knew before I ever saw Lysa's post that I was to enter this contest if given the opportunity.
Writing this post for the P31 ladies has been hard. I found myself looking for a voice that might be heard. It's been impossible, really. Completely unsuccessful. Last night I stopped trying to come up with my own words and turned to the Living Word. He reminded me that it was His invitation that waited unanswered.
Any time I have tried to speak to an audience other than One, it has backfired. I tried to turn this into a family blog. I fizzled. Then I fell victim to judging my success on the number of comments and visits I received. I flopped. At the advice of a business coach I tried to mingle blogging with real estate. I stunk.
So as I sat in His presence it came as no surprise that writing to a committee of women, even wonderful, Godly, mentor-type women I can learn volumes from, would fail. Even though God has clearly called me to write this entry. He has called me to write it for Him. Alone with Him the blessing of His Word came softly, swiftly as words poured forth. The Living Word mingling with my words breathing extraordinary power into my ordinary thoughts.
He whispered sweet words to my heart. Just as I write for One, I speak for One.